Sports
Ways to Make Baseball Not Suck As Much
Aug 11th
Baseball, America’s Pastime. Nothing is better than sitting out at the diamond, drinking a brew, nomin on some hot dogs, and watching your favorite team duke it out with the opponent. O wait, there is… The fact that baseball has gotten too slow lately, the 150 degree temperatures, and the juiced up fatheads down there, the pastime is losing its luster. I know a way we can fix the game though, and bring it back to the glory days of the past, where we could cheer for our team without worrying about 4 hour games, and $8.50 beers.
1
.) Exploding baseballs
Now hear me out here, what else would add drama to the game if at all times, you had to worry about the baseball exploding and shooting shards of leather into your eyes. I say this would be must-see TV.
2.) Make baseball a contact sport.
I am sick of seeing baseball players run to first base, strain their hamstring, and are done for the rest of the season. Grow some fucking balls. Lets make baseball a true man sport like football. Instead of simply throwing the ball to first base to get the batter out, shoulder truck the bitch to the ground while he is running to first base, THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME. If the runner on first is trying to steal second, body slam the mother fucker to the ground before he can get to second. This would make it so athletes actually have to work out and train for baseball, and add a physicality that is lacking in the game.
3.) For God’s sake, shorten the games and season
162 games?! Really… I know baseball is a marathon sport, but both the MLB and NBA really need to take a lesson from the NFL. Shorten the season, make it like 30 games max, keep the badass Home Run Derby, and make the World Series shorter, and now we have some entertainment. Now to the games themselves. 4 hours is waaaay too long for a sporting event to last. Unless you are hammered off your ass, I cannot endure a full baseball game. So… my idea is simple, institute a rule that allows pitchers to pitch whenever they want to. No longer will we have batters doing their makeup and talking to their moms on their cell phones instead of batting, pitchers will be able to throw the ball whenever, and the batters better be ready.
4.) One word, Cheerleaders.
Need I say more? Just take a look at this…
5.) Unruly Fans
Seeing streakers on the field, explosions in the stands, and riots outside the stadium bring the fans together, and bring excitement to the game.
6.) Steroids
Steroids will never be rid in the MLB, so we might as well level the playing field and have everyone juicing it up. Have syringes in the dugouts, juice up before every at bat, and increase the home runs, truck sticking, and big ass heads. I’m already excited just thinking a
bout this.
Top 9 Things I Learned from Watching the World Cup
Jul 14th
1. You’re not allowed to touch the World Cup
If you were watching the game on Sunday you likely heard about the fan that ran onto the pitch and tried to “steal” the world cup. You can see in the video he was apparently trying to place a red hat on the world cup before a security guard throws down a powerful stiff arm. Most wondered how a man thought he was going to steal the most coveted trophy in sports in front of 90,000 fans and hundreds of security personnel. Well the truth is the fan is named Jimmy Jump, a serial pitch jumper from Spain who touts successes including several football matches, running through the starting lane at the 2004 Spanish Grand Prix, getting on stage during Eurovision 2010, and attempting to place a red beret on Roger Federer’s head. The Times Live reports he was fined a meager R2000, $262.64, and released.
Sad he never even got to lay one finger on the trophy.
2. Uruguay has a very long national anthem
As many viewers noticed, Uruguay does in fact have a extremely long national anthem. According to wikipedia, it is “the longest national anthem in terms of duration with 105 bars of music (about five minutes).” Fortunately FIFA has a one minute thirty second rule for anthems so we didn’t have to sit though a borefest five minutes of awkward camera pans down the players. The anthem doesn’t even have words till 42 seconds in. Japan on the other hand has one of the shortest, measuring only 11 bars.
3. Being tone deaf is a requirement for footy players
While I couldn’t find you a fantastic example of this (not a popular youtube search) I did find a North Korean crying hysterically during the national anthem against Brazil and this video of the round of sixteen between Germany and England. The video actually includes some great singing, Meatsacker really belts it out, but it makes me pause to hear a song representing German national pride. Not that Germany can’t be proud of their country, but when your defining moment in history is killing between 11 to 17 million Jews, homosexuals, people with disabilities, and other undesirables, singing about how great you are is just weird.
I would cry too if I was from North Korea
JaMarcus Russell: The Purple Drank Chronicles
Jul 12th
Oh how the mighty have fallen. And by mighty, I mean hefty and gargantuan. The story of JaMarcus Russell is a tale of expectation, letdown, eating, more eating, and in the end, failure. We being our tale in Baton Rouge, home of the LSU Tigers, where standout QB JaMarcus Russell had just led the Tigers to a Sugar Bowl victory over the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Let the hype begin. After being named to the All-SEC first team, and an honorable mention to the All-American team, Russell decided to forgo his senior season and make bank in the NFL. ESPN analyst John Clayton projected Russell to be the #1 overall pick, with his raw talents, explosive arm, and his size. Did I mention this guy weighed upwards of 260 pounds? Of course he had a unique combination of talent and size, he weighed as much as a freaking linebacker! Our next stop lands us in the front office of Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, who owned the #1 overall pick in the draft. Al Davis is known around the league as the laughing-stock of the NFL Draft, renowned as only picking players based on their NFL Combine numbers rather than their overall skill set and need for the team, this draft was no different. Russell’s numbers impressed Davis, and of course, drafted the guy with the #1 overall pick. Impressed by his own set of skills, and his ability to eat anything in sight, Russell held out of training camp, and ended up signing an insane contract with $32 million of it guaranteed. That’s a lot of Twinkies for my boy JaMarcus.
An Open Letter From LeBron to Cleveland
Jul 9th
Miami Thrice
Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeastern Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you know, I, LeBron James, have decided to join my buddies Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami in pursuit of an NBA championship. This news may come as a shock to my loyal fans of Cleveland, but it should not. I have put my heart and soul into the Cleveland Cavaliers franchise, as well as the city of Cleveland and state of Ohio. I can understand some of you may have some hard-feelings towards me, but I have just one question for you. What in the fuck did you have before me? I am pretty sure the city of Cleveland was voted one of the worst cities to live in America, with a shitty economy, cold weather, crappy sports teams, and just overall lack of anything remotely exciting to do. And what did I do for the city you ask? I am pretty sure I was the lone source of economic prosperity for your city, helping boost the economy into what it is today. I gave 7 years of my NBA career to Cleveland, and what do I get in return? A 37 year-old center past his prime, and now I get booed, ridiculed, and stomped on by the very fans that called me there own. I would call that cowardly betrayal.
I left in pursuit of my dream, a national championship. The fans of Cleveland should know that the goal was literally impossible in the state of Ohio and city of Cleveland. Dan Gilbert personally guarantees the Cavaliers will win a championship before I do in Miami. Good luck winning 30 games next year. While you are off whining and moaning about me wanting to continue my career and win a title, I will be dominating with my friends in South Beach, where its warm, the bitches are fine, and will be a part of a dynasty here in Miami. The lack of respect and lack of class the Cleveland organization has shown, as well as the fans just furthers my excitement to be in an environment with Pat Riley and a winning mentality, and loyal fans. Just look at Dwayne Wade. His hometown of Chicago adores him, and he didn’t choose to join their squad. What do I get for all my dedication and work for the city of Cleveland, my philantrophic endevaors, and putting Cleveland back on the map? I get my jersey burned in the streets, a classless letter from the owner, and no thanks for anything. South Beach here I come, the King is here.
Sincerely,
King James
4 Ways to identify a faux football fan (American edition)
Jul 9th
- Brand new World Cup 2010 Donovan/Dempsy/Altidore Jersey -
Maybe people will think i like that sport the English take seriously...
After acquiring their Confederations Cup knowledge solely from SportsCenter’s Top-ten plays, narrated by equally ignorant “experts.” These fans found a shallow, yet to them, entirely affluent devotion to the sport of football (or soccer as they still refer to it). This admiration is merely an illusion, driven by the “Patriotic”, A.K.A Nationalist viewpoint, that Americans can and should dominate any sport in which they participate. The kicker here is that other than the limited coverage that these futbal fools have been exposed to, they know very little, if anything about the players for which they hold such superficial respect. Asking any one of these newfound “fans”, which clubs their stars play for? What positions they excel at? and why, will leave you with a blank stare, or at best an ill fated attempt to sound intelligible.
- Referring to football as soccer well into the World Cup –
After all, these fans have always considered Football to be a game played with more padding than any other sport in the world, excluding of fat-suit sumo wrestling, which in its own regards is still quite awesome. Yet I digress, it would seem the longstanding and seemingly obvious contradiction that a game named football, should be in some way be played with the foot , all the while utilizing a ball; Defined by Google as: “One of the two male reproductive glands that produce spermatozoa and secrete androgens. “… err, “An object with a spherical shape” Seems simple enough, I mean Baseball encompasses all that its name implies, without any tomfoolery or whatnot. As opposed to the classic American ideal of football whereas the “Ball” is some sort of oblong, egg shaped apparatus, far more apt to be thrown with the hand, then kicked with a foot. It’s confounding, preposterous and downright stupid.
- The belief that the US can compete on the highest levels of international play consistently –
Ask anyone whose devotion to “soccer” began with the Confederations cup, the U.S. qualifying campaign, or the World Cup, and you will find a truly ignorant ideal of the sport and America’s position therein. Yes we have defeated immaculate teams such as Spain, once… but as any football fan knows it’s a game of chances, opportunities and capitalization on the latter. Upsets in soccer are not unheard of, to be honest they are fairly common, but to assume that a victory over a superpower launches us into an equal realm of competitiveness is unfounded and foolish.
- The belief that we currently have players of serious international caliber – Regardless of our superior facilities and population, the United States has only recently begun to implement youth programs that vaguely resemble those of top European clubs. Some of the best European clubs have been established for well over a century, giving them ample time to solidify their place in football. In Europe most if not all clubs have youth programs, whereas they seek out and hone the best talent in their country from a young age. The United States is eons behind these nations. The simple fact that there is only one league for the entirety of the United States (Population 307million - 2009.), Meanwhile the Brits across the lake (population of: 51.1 million- 2007) have multiple football leagues. Just one of them The Premier League contains a total of ninety-two club-teams over four different divisions. America simply does not currently have the necessary football infrastructure to produce players that can compete at the highest levels dominantly.
Extra: The belief that VuVuzelas are a normal part of soccer.
THEY ARE NOT
The New NBA Dynasty?
Jul 8th
Tonight, we will finally be able to breathe easy about the NBA offseason frenzy. LeBron James will be announcing his free agency decision on ESPN at 9 P.M ET. Earlier Wednesday, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh announced they would be teaming up in South Beach to create a dynamic duo that could change the landscape of the Eastern Conference. The question still remains though, will LeBron James complete the Trifecta? If LeBron leaves, he will be leaving thousands of fans, his hometown, and his legacy as a hometown hero in the dust. However, he could be joining the Miami Heat, creating one of the most dominant trios in NBA history. But if LeBron stays, he will be thrust into the same situation as he was in last year, a dominant regular season team with lackluster postseason play that could inevitably leave him ringless another season. The NBA free agency will reach its pinnacle tonight and Lebron’s choice will affect the NBA for the next decade. What are we going to be witnesses to tonight?
